The Monkey plays games

So I've been replaying Final Fantasy IX lately. It actually stemmed from me starting to play Final Fantasy VII again, getting bored because I was at a tedious as hell part, and deciding to go play the FF I know like the back of my hand. I thought I had a save about half way through the game, but apparently, I did not. So even though I've played through the beginning about a thousand times, I decided to start up a new game. No matter how many times I sit through the opening FMV, I feel like I'm that little fourteen year old again, excited for a new addition to the game series I was rapidly falling in love with.

Of course I was an idiot who played the games in the wrong order. My first brush with Final Fantasy actually came about because of my older brother. We shared a Playstation between us, and given he had a part time job, he tended to buy most of the games. He picked up Final Fantasy VII second hand one day, and gave it a shot. He died at the first boss because the translation on what to do is pretty messed up (“Attack while the tail's up! It's gonna counter with it's laser!”) Would it have been so hard to and an 'If you' at the front of the sentence?

Either way, neither one of us could figure it out, and he eventually got bored of the game and went back to his others. I'll add here that neither one of us had played a Final Fantasy game, or an RPG before, so we didn't know this was standard fare for some first bosses. But me? I was intrigued. I was slowly getting into anime around that time, and I fell in love with the look of the game. I loved how pretty Cloud was, how dark and cyberpunk Midgar was, I even loved the battle system once I got used to it. I also wasn't used to playing games with such a deep storyline, and I loved it.

So I tried again. And again. And again. I read through the manual back to front. Then I tried again. And then my tiny brain sparked to life and I thought 'hang on, what if I DON'T attack when the tail is up?' and it worked! The countdown to escape freaked me out at the time (I still hated timed parts on games) but I got out in time and YES! I had fallen in love with Final Fantasy. My brother took up the game again once I had figured out the strategy, but he still didn't care for it all that much (he renamed Aeris 'Meowth' and Tifa as 'Teefal', as a fun fact) and so it was all mine. I sucked at it to start with, that's for sure, I didn't really grasp the point of levels, equipment, etc, until further into the game.

Give me a break, I was only twelve. I played the game right up to the Temple of the Ancients, which is when I got stuck. Literally stuck. The graphics are pretty shoddy in parts of the game, and it's hard to tell where you have to go next. Given the area in the temple is coloured all the same shade of yellow, and was full of twisting paths and archways, I still couldn't see where to go. I spent hours trying to run anywhere past this certain part, but I couldn't figure out where to go . I didn't have the internet at the time, so it's not as if I could look it up, and I was just lost as to what to do. My brother even bought me a bootleg strategy guide (I love that guide.. the person who wrote it had such a personality going through the whole book) and I still couldn't figure it out.

Until one day I was just messing around there (incidentally, gaining lots of levels), and hooray! I accidentally stumbled through the arch that didn't look like an arch. I had spent almost months on this one part, it was such an elation to get past it! I carried on playing, right up until the final boss. Now, bear in mind I still didn't really have a grasp on levels, weapons, materia, or anything. How I got this far was nothing short of a miracle, on replaying certain bosses, I have to ask myself just HOW I managed to do it the first time around. I couldn't defeat the final boss. I could stay alive, I could keep hitting him, but I just couldn't kill him. I was there for almost hours, with two of my friends watching, and I still couldn't get anywhere. I gave up eventually, intending to go back and raise my levels.

I never did. Final Fantasy IX came out, and I fell in love with that. It's an easier game because it's explained so much better, the translations weren't such a hack job, and I loved the magic stone system over the materia one. I pretty much completed the game in one run through, I even completed most of the side quests, and I loved it. So you might think after I had owned IX, I would go try VII again? No.. that was when I finally found Final Fantasy VIII, and started playing that instead.

I did go back to complete Final Fantasy VII eventually. I got bored of VIII, and turned to other, non-FF games (heathen!) like Shadow Hearts, Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, etc. I had a Playstation 2 now, and so much more was on offer. And with Final Fantasy X on the horizon, I couldn't wait. I even bought Final Fantasy VI just for the FFX demo that came with it. I played that for a bit, then accidentally fucked up my party in an area where you have to choose them (long story short, I hit the wrong button and only ended up with Locke in my party.. yeah) and then I played FFX when it finally came. And poor... poor FFVII, it sat there, gathering dust during all this time.

By then, I had lost my original memory card (I know, I suck), so I started a new game. With the internet on hand to help me, I breezed through the game, with my experience of the other FF's under my belt, I got to the end, and I kicked some arse! And this was supposed to be an entry about me playing FFIX, but it somehow turned into how I finally completed FFVII. Ahh well.. go figure!

Countdown of Ten Things That Suck About Being A Till Monkey

10# - Weekends and holidays off are treated like the second coming. Better yet, we get to serve all the smug gits who have the weekend off. On top of that we get annoying little kids, shoplifters trying to take advantage of the crowds, and oh yes, we're even more short staffed than we are during the week. I know, work that one out!

9#- R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Or.. lack of it, rather. I know I'm a mere till monkey hired to scan your items and take the monies, but I am still a person. I might not be Mr Super Surgeon saving lives, or Miss I Discovered a Cure for Cancer, but I'm still supplying you with a service. Without me you wouldn't get your beers, your fags, your bottle of wine. So stop ignoring me, say please and thank you like a good boy, and pull your head out of your ass every now and then to acknowledge those around you. Oh and don't yell/threaten/poke the till monkey when things go wrong, it's usually not her fault, and she will bite.

8# - Shoplifters. Yeah, we see you there, dropping sweets down your pants. Why yes, it's totally obvious that you're stashing a beer can in the side of your jacket. YES, MR BUTTER THIEF, WE CAN ALSO SEE YOU TOO. But guess what? The stupid law means that we're not allowed to touch you unless you're outside of the shop. We can't even confront you. So you can sail on out happy with your goods, and if you make a break for it, there's NOTHING we can do. We'll be laying down a red carpet for them before too long, with a sign that says 'PLEASE, PLEASE COME STEAL OUR STUFFS'

7# - Suck ups. I know every work place has them, the insufferable creeps that crawl their way so far up the managers asses that they're in danger of suffocating. It sucks even worse in retail because they get the nicer hours, they magically get weekends and holidays off, and they get to do all of the fun jobs. One suck up at my place gets to stick up the various decorations we have for certain times of the year, and I swear, that is ALL she does. I want to stick the fucking snowflakes on the window!

6# - WAITING FOR YOUR LUNCH BREAK WHEN PEOPLE ARE BUYING LOTS OF TASTY FOOD. ENOUGH SAID.

5# - People who talk on mobiles when they're checking out. It's rude, both to myself and the person you're talking to, and it makes you look like such a cunt, you wouldn't believe. Is it really so hard to cover the mouthpiece and talk to me about what you want? If your conversation is THAT important, then piss off outside and finish it. Oh and DON'T SHOUT. They can hear you, and it doesn't make you look aaany less important.

4# - Things being put back in the wrong place. Honestly, if you don't know where it goes, just bring it to the counter. We'll be HAPPY to put it back for you. Or try to get the vague place right. Don't leave noodles in the biscuit aisle. Don't leave cold drinks in the newspapers. DON'T LEAVE AN ICE LOLLY BY THE FLOUR AND LETTING IT MELT AND RUIN MOST OF THE BATCH. Just don't! And a special fuck you to the git that left a packet of sausages behind the cereal for about a week.. that was not nice.

3# - DEHYDRATION. Apparently we're not allowed drinks behind the counter AT ALL. I challenged this saying it was our right to have water at least, and so far they haven't mentioned it. You know why it was put in place? Because of the twats taking cups of tea back there and spilling them ALL OVER EVERYTHING :/ Oh and the other day? I was asked if I wanted a cup of tea, and I was all 'yeah, that would be awesome thanks!' then the tea maker comes out the back and asks if I can swap with the person on the till so they can have theirs. I was all 'OKAY, TOTALLY COOL' and did it, and then an HOUR later I got my damn tea. Stupid co-workers.

2# - Selfish Co-workers. Don't get me wrong, I love some of the people I work with, but I also hate the others. They're obsessed with trying to get off the till, they don't want to let anyone else take a break, they're selfish and they suck. One night a week I'm around half an hour late home because we close up, and my co-worker is the SLOWEST person in the entire world. Just because she isn't the one with a shift the next morning..

1# - CUSTOMERS. You can be having the greatest day ever, and some asshole of a customer will prance along and RUIN it. A lot of them are rude, don't listen, and think they're so far above you they're fucking flying. They don't see what's right in front of them, they make demands, not questions.. ngh! Again you get the nice customers, but they're so far and few between, it's like panning for gold.

Introductions

My name is Az, I'm 23, and I'm a till monkey.

I decided to start this blog because I have a lot of inner thoughts while I'm stuck slaving away on the aforementioned till, and I need an outlet somewhere. There'll be laughter, tears, mostly mine, and an insider look at what it really means to work in retail.

My fellow till monkeys? No doubt you'll of had similar situations and thoughts to the ones posted here. Customers? Maybe you'll understand that retail can be tougher than it looks, and that a smile, or just plain understanding, can go a long way. Everyone else? Sit back and enjoy.

So what is a till monkey? Slang for someone who works the floor in retail, a till assistant, a customer service assistant, till girl, till jockey, whatever your name is for them. The person you hand money to, and get goods in return. So called because apparently the job is so simple, a monkey could do it. That being besides the point, retail might not test you physically, but it tests your patience and mentality to the limits at times.

And as a warning this blog will contain swearing and rants.